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:iconavix215:
First stanza:
I like the way the first line conflicts with the second, telling the reader that this person doesn't want to live in this beautiful world.
The last line paints a vivid picture of how this person (let's just call him/her Person X) is trying to resist the urge to escape the darkness, in a very provocative way.

Second stanza:
The way you described how Person X is constantly searching for a way to end it is phenomenal. However, I feel that the word 'down' in the line "Every bridge's a chance to jump down" does not aptly reflect the rest of the line.
And in the last line, "In it, you climb high buildings not for the view", it is not completely clear what you climb the buildings in, as the word 'dream' is only used once in the second line, and that too as a verb.

Third stanza:
I felt that this was a particularly flat stanza, except for the last line, "Because without you I couldn't face tomorrow". Very emotional, and brings in the idea that you have deep feelings about Person X very cleverly.

Fourth Stanza:
I found the fourth stanza free of any and all error, and the last 2 lines stood out spectacularly, showing the reader your intimate relationship with Person X.

Fifth Stanza:
I absolutely loved how you implied your potential sorrow by showing your reluctance to attend Person X's funeral.
I found "Before we're older than dirt" to be wonderfully creative phrase. Fantastic.
The last three lines finish the poem quite well, sending it off with a bang, if you'll excuse the pun.

All in all, a very well written, thought provoking piece. This is one of those poems that just slaps you in your face and reminds you what's important in life.
I especially loved the way you described the "temptation", that urge to go all the way. Really beautiful work. A few tiny snags here and there, but otherwise, it's brilliant. Please write more things like this!
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the critique :)
Only a tiny note:
Stanza 2, line 6: the "In it" is referring to the river in the previous line. At elast, this was my intention ^^
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:iconavix215:
Avix215 Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm afraid I don't follow. I'm not sure how you can "climb buildings not for the view" in a river. O.O
And you're welcome, of course! ^_^
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:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I meant:
"Each river tempts you to drown\\ In it, you climb hight buildings..."
Though I have to admit, I am not completely sure if "tempts you to drown in it" is grammatically correct of if it should be "to drown yourself [in it]".
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:iconavix215:
Avix215 Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh, i understand. The 'in it' is a continuation of the previous line.
Its not very clear :P to me at least
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